


Happy

by Robin Hood (kjack89)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Developing Relationship, Episode Tag, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 15:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21358372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/pseuds/Robin%20Hood
Summary: Episode Tag for Season 21, Episode 7, "Counselor, It's Chinatown".Carisi just shook his head, staring off into the distance, his expression troubled. “What I know is that I seemed to get a lot more wins when I was working on your side of things,” he said.Rollins glanced at him. “You regretting things already?” she asked, mostly jokingly.But Carisi didn’t laugh, his expression still dark. “I dunno if I’d go so far as regret,” he said with a sigh. “But honestly…” He trailed off and shook his head again. “Honestly, some days it feels like I’m wasting my time.” He barked a short, humorless laugh. “I swear to God, I spend less time in a courtroom now than I did when I was a cop. Between the endless arraignments and depositions and pre-trial meetings…”
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 119





	Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Me: No more episode tags!  
Me: _ Writes another damn episode tag._
> 
> Literally no one is surprised.
> 
> Usual disclaimer. Please be kind and tip your fanfic writers in the form of comments and/or kudos!

“You were good back there,” Rollins offered as she and Carisi walked away from Mei Mei, and Carisi jerked a shrug.

“She made it easy,” he said dismissively. “But it’s nothing, really.”

Rollins glanced sideways at him. “You saved her life,” she reminded him, somewhat unnecessarily. “Twice, if she’s to be believed. I don’t know if I’d call that nothing.”

Again Carisi shrugged, his eyes downcast, staring down at the ground as if it held some kind of answer that he sought. “Her traffickers escaped their day in court,” he said gruffly. “It’s not like it’s a win, and after everything it took to even get the Changs to see the inside of a courtroom—”

He broke off, his expression darkening, and Rollins pursed her lips slightly. “Hadid giving you a hard time?” she asked, her tone much milder than her expression.

“No more than usual,” Carisi said, shaking his head slowly. “She wasn’t thrilled with the deal I cut with Avi Olin, and now that the Changs have wormed their way out of the plea deal we struck, I imagine she’s gonna be even less pleased.”

“Ok, but none of that was your fault,” Rollins said, her brow furrowed, and when Carisi just shrugged, she reached out and grabbed his arm, holding him in place. “You know that, right?”

Carisi just shook his head, staring off into the distance, his expression troubled. “What I know is that I seemed to get a lot more wins when I was working on your side of things,” he said. 

Rollins glanced at him. “You regretting things already?” she asked, mostly jokingly.

But Carisi didn’t laugh, his expression still dark. “I dunno if I’d go so far as regret,” he said with a sigh. “But honestly…” He trailed off and shook his head again. “Honestly, some days it feels like I’m wasting my time.” He barked a short, humorless laugh. “I swear to God, I spend less time in a courtroom now than I did when I was a cop. Between the endless arraignments and depositions and pre-trial meetings…”

He trailed with a sigh and Rollins frowned slightly. “Well, you’re the new guy again,” she said, with her best ‘buck up’ attitude. “So I’m guessing all of this comes with the territory.”

Carisi made a face. “You’re probably right,” he said, somewhat mournfully. “So I’m probably just doomed to be the new guy forever.”

He said it as if it were a joke, as if he was trying to beat her to the punchline of the obvious joke that he had never stopped being the new guy at SVU, but he seemed so downcast that Rollins couldn’t quite bring herself to make it anyway. “You’ll work your way up,” she assured him instead. “You just gotta find a way to prove yourself.”

“That’s just it,” Carisi said, completely serious now. “I don’t know if I know how to. It’s part of why I negotiated that deal with Olin, but you saw how well that backfired. It just—” He broke off, frustration clear. “It was a lot easier to prove myself at SVU.”

“You could always come back,” Rollins offered, in what she clearly thought was a casual sort of way, and Carisi glanced at her, already making a face.

“You never wanted this for me in the first place,” he said dismissively, with a hint of a self-deprecating chuckle, as if he was trying not to take it to heart.

Rollins shook her head. “That’s not true,” she said, somewhat stubbornly, and when Carisi just gave her a look, she shrugged and amended, “Ok, well it is, but still.” Carisi shook his head but she took a step toward him, her tone turning wheedling. “Come back to SVU, Sonny. You’re a good cop.”

Carisi let out a soft snort of something like amusement. “Meaning I’m not a good ADA.”

“I didn’t say that,” Rollins said evenly. “But you’ve got someone in your head that you’re gonna spend your entire career trying to live up to, and it’s not fair to you.”

Carisi’s expression darkened. “What are you saying?”

Rollins shrugged. “I’m saying you’re never gonna be Barba,” she told him, and Carisi sucked in a breath, all the color draining from his face. “You care about people too much to get to where he was.”

For a moment, Carisi didn’t seem able to speak, a muscle working in his jaw as he stared determinedly away from her. Then, stiffly, he said, “I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit.”

Rollins almost laughed. “And I think you give him too much.” She leaned in towards him. “C’mon, Sonny. Barba was never…”

“What?”

The words she aimed to say died on her tongue at the look on his face. “Barba isn’t someone you want to emulate,” she said instead. “I know you, Sonny. I know what you want. You want to help people. You want to have a family.” She paused, but Carisi didn’t deny it, and she added, “Can you honestly tell me that working for the DA’s office is gonna get you that?”

As much as it looked like he might want to deny it, he didn’t, instead shaking his head. “No, I can’t,” Carisi said quietly.

“Ok, so then come back to SVU.”

Rollins said it so decisively that she was taken aback when Carisi laughed lightly. “Amanda,” he said, and she frowned at him. “You know I can’t tell you that the DA’s office is gonna get me that. But I can tell you that SVU won’t.” 

She scowled. “It could.”

“No,” Carisi said patiently. “It can’t.” He rubbed her arm in gentle, familiar gesture. “I do want a family, Amanda. I want a family, and I want to help people. But I also want to be happy. And no matter how small it may be, if there’s a chance that the DA’s office is gonna give me that, I gotta take it.”

He started walking again with an air of finality, as if he expected her to drop it, but really, he should’ve known better. When Rollins caught up with him, matching his stride, she glanced over at him again. “Does Barba know?” she asked, and Carisi blinked, taken aback by the question.

“Does Barba know what?” he asked, curiosity and confusion coloring his tone.

Rollins kept her voice even. “Does Barba know that after everything, you chose his side?”

Carisi stopped in his tracks, his brow furrowed. “This isn’t about Barba,” he told her impatiently. “I know you think there’s some kind of weird rivalry between NYPD and the DA’s office and for whatever reason you put Barba at the center of that, but seriously, Amanda, it’s time to let that go.”

Rollins gave him a disbelieving look. “When has it never not been about Barba?” she asked dryly. “For you, especially.” Carisi rolled his eyes but she barrelled forward. “Seriously, Sonny, if anyone’s gotta let it go, it’s you. You can stop trying to prove yourself to him, or win his approval or whatever.”

Carisi shook his head. “This isn’t about Barba,” he repeated, glaring at her. “This is about what I want for myself.” Rollins rolled her eyes and made as if to interrupt, but he didn’t let her “Barba may be a part of that, but not because I’m trying to prove something to him or trying to be him, but because—”

He broke off abruptly, a flush coloring his face, and Rollins blinked in surprise as realization hit. “But because he’s what — or who, I guess — you want for yourself.” Carisi jerked a shrug but didn’t deny it, and Rollins shook her head. “Even now?” she asked doubtfully. “Still? After you’ve joined the DA’s office?”

“Now more than ever, honestly,” Carisi admitted. “Seeing the bureaucratic shit he had to deal with firsthand—” He shook his head again, but with something like admiration this time. “He’s a better man that I ever gave him credit for.”

Rollins looked at him carefully for a long moment. “Does being an ADA really make you happy?” she asked.

Carisi looked surprised by the suddenness of the question, and he took a moment before answering. “Yeah,” he said finally. “It’s a different kind of happy, but yeah, it does. Or at least, I think it will.”

“And will Barba make you happy?”

Carisi ducked his head. “I sure hope so,” he said honestly. “We, uh, we’ve started texting again. I’m meeting up with him for drinks tonight. And it’s…” He trailed off, a small, soft smile on his face. “It’s something to look forward to, at least.”

“Ok then,” Rollins said. “Then I’m happy for you.”

“What, just like that?” Carisi asked with a disbelieving laugh.

Rollins looked at him evenly. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy,” she told him. “You know that, right?”

Carisi snorted. “C’mon, Amanda, that’s not all you ever wanted for me.”

“It is,” she said simply. “I’m never gonna be thrilled that you moved to the DA’s office, and I don’t know if you and I are ever gonna see eye to eye on what exactly will make you happy, but if you say you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Carisi said, after a long moment, giving her a small half-smile. “And that’s all I want for you, too, y’know.”

Rollins smiled at him. “I’ve got my girls,” she said, before nudging him companionably. “And despite everything, I’ve still got my best friend. So I’m good, I promise.”

Carisi’s smile widened and they walked together in silence for a few moments before Rollins couldn’t quite contain her laughter. “I can’t believe you’ve got a date with Barba tonight,” she said, and Carisi scowled at her, even as he couldn’t quite contain his smile.

“I dunno if I’d call it a date,” he hedged, as if he didn’t want to get his hopes up. “More like old friends getting together for a drink.”

Rollins smiled sweetly at him. “Sweetheart, if after however many years of pining you don’t kiss that man by the end of the night, I swear to God I’m driving to your apartment and punching you in the face.”

Carisi choked, seemingly on air, and it took him a moment to be able to splutter, “Jesus Christ, Amanda.”

“After all these years, you deserve it,” she said blithely.

“Which part?” Carisi asked sourly. “The kissing or the punching?”

Rollins considered it for a moment. “Both.”

Carisi chuckled and shook his head. “In that case, I’ll do my best.” He glanced sideways at her. “Coffee tomorrow so I can tell you all about it?”

“Of course,” Rollins said easily. “Nothing would make me happier.”


End file.
